Indirection, part I

13 10 2008

Indirection. It’s the only way I can approach this.  Dead on, and I veer away.

Thus. I wondered previously about sex, wondered if there weren’t more to sex than. . . sex.

Yes and no. Duh.

Okay, no more gone-away-speak. What I mean is, why would sex have to be just one thing? Why couldn’t it be about intimacy and pleasure and games and love and babies (oh yeah, forgot about them) and a way to pass some time—perhaps all at once or perhaps at different times? (And if you want to make it about God or spirituality or the cosmos, be my guest. Your sex life, really, is yours.) So Tuesday it’s about your partner and Friday it’s about the wine  and my didn’t (s)he look good and the following Sunday morning it’s about having the time and remembering why the two of you have been waking up together for as long as you have.

As mentioned previously, I was never much of a bed-hopper, so I can’t say much about one-night-stands. I get it—sometimes your body just says Gimme Gimme Gimme—but beyond that, I can only speculate. Is it that someone else finds you attractive? Sexual power? Or just about the gimme gimme gimme?

Again, I get that, but doesn’t that get old? You never have to learn about someone else, never have to vary your moves (just your partners), never have to concern yourself (if one is properly protected) with anyone or anything beyond your own skin. Perhaps that’s the point, and the pleasure, of playing. Maybe that’s not so bad, at least in the short time. You get out of a relationship, want some excitement, want to see who and what is out there, so a few quick tosses seem, well, refreshing. But over the long term, wouldn’t it just get stale?

And this is where the larger questions of sex and intimacy lay in wait: what do you want from a partner?

And this is where I’m snared, because I haven’t been with anyone long enough to ask, much less answer, that question. (Well, I guess one could ask this of short-termers as well, in which the answers are simple: Arm candy! Dancing! And lest we forget: Orgasms! Fine things, all, but, again, I’m looking for something beyond this.)

What do I want from a partner? Haven’t a clue. Well, not exactly true: some of the same things I want from friends (strong mind, good sense of humor, generosity, thoughtfulness, complexity, etc.), but something ineffably more, too. Yes, sexual attraction is part of that ineffable more, but is this all beyond words?

How to answer the question: Why be with someone rather than no one?


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