I watch you sleeping on the bed

9 03 2010

My beautiful Bean is sick.

Not desperately so, and perhaps not-imminently-fatally so, but she is ill, and it likely that this illness will at some point result in her death.

It pains me to say this, because I do not want my sweet old kitten to die, but I cannot ignore her decline.

Cannot. Will not.

I did ignore what was happening to Chelsea. It’s so clear, in retrospect, that she was sick for years, dying for months, and almost gone by the time I saw that gone was the best place for her. I spent money I didn’t have on a delusion that at 18 what little life she had in her was enough for a few more years.

It made the ending harder than it had to be for both of us.

So I won’t do that with Bean. I will see her, as she is, an old and sick cat. Oh, I’m doing what I can, within reason, to slow that decline, but at 15 1/2, ‘within reason’ amounts to home care and wishes.

Whether that decline is weeks or months or even a year, I have no idea.

But I’ll be ready, or readier, this time. Chelsea taught me that. Wishes or no, I have to see Bean clear.

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4 responses

10 03 2010
Mo

Aww, I’m sorry. I hate this part of loving pets. I hope it’s nothing serious right now—that would be too much too soon. Give Bean a big hug and smooch.
xo

10 03 2010
geekhiker

Aw, man, I’m sorry to read about this. Hopefully it’s nothing to serious or too prolonged, if that’s ultimately the case. I’m glad to hear that you’re going to make her comfortable. Whatever her favorite food is, give her a serving for me, m’kay? :)

10 03 2010
absurdbeats

@Mo: Yep, this part bites. In a weird way, I’m glad I got Jasper when I did, because had I waited—had I had a no-cat household—I might have found it too difficult to bring in another kitty, knowing how it ends.

But, of course, having a pet is so much more than about the ending.

@geekhiker: Thanks for the wishes. I think it is serious, but I don’t know how long she can live with this. It could be weeks, it could be a year—I truly don’t know.

And yes, Mo and geekhiker, this little kitty is getting all kinds of attention and is now on an all-canned-food diet. She’s lovin’ that (although it frustrates Jasper to no end, who most days is stuck with the dry stuff)!

11 03 2010
emilylhauser

Good luck, ab. The first post I read here was about Chelsea, and I just remember thinking how loved she was, and how deep your loss must be. We so often fool ourselves, trick ourselves into thinking that we can will ourselves to greater happiness through ignorance, but in the end, seeing things is an important piece of peace, isn’t it.

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