Where is the tenderness

28 11 2011

I felt such longing.

What to do with such a feeling, especially since it had been so long since I longed for anything? And why the longing, especially in response to the last, short scene of an uneven television show?

Perhaps it was the tenderness of the moment, made all the more poignant by the unexpectedness of it all.

I don’t expect tenderness, don’t expect longing.

No, I have been frozen in fear of my financial burdens, overcome with debts I cannot and am not paying, triaging my money for rent, first, and everything else, second. My two temporary jobs ease me somewhat, but I can’t remember the last time I felt anything other than anxiety.

So this longing, this unexpected desire for, I don’t know, unexpected tenderness, was all the sweeter for revealing that there is still something more to me, something more to this life.

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5 responses

28 11 2011
dmf

glad to hear that the scar tissue and the noise of the nervous systems haven’t totally muted the callings of the heart.

29 11 2011
29 11 2011
absurdbeats

Oh, god, dmf, I don’t know that I even want to read [about] his dissertation second-hand. . . .

1 12 2011
emilylhauser

Good luck with it all, my friend — may you get to breathe deep soon, and also enjoy more sweet longing.

1 12 2011
absurdbeats

Bumfuzzled, Mizz Emily, that’s how I be.

Deep breaths are always good.

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