Come out, come out wherever you are

26 07 2012

I’m half-out as a bisexual.

Andrew Sullivan has been banging away at the fact that the late Sally Ride chose not to come out as a lesbian while she lived, and getting a fair amount of push-back from readers; he’s holding firm.

My first reaction to his original column was What a dick.

I read his column every day and link to it with some regularity, so I’m not unfamiliar with his habit of making everything about him. (It’s annoying, but it’s his blog, and, frankly, I’m probably even more guilty of the Me! Me! M-Fucking-E ME! approach to blogging. So.)

Anyway, that initial reaction was along the lines of He really doesn’t get how hard it is for women in male-dominated fields; sexism piled with homophobia might have been too much. I modified that reaction somewhat as I considered that she could have come out after she left the space program, could have come out in the past few years, and that maybe it would have been better had she been as out to the general public as she apparently was with intimates.

Still, I think Sullivan does discount both the dynamics of sexism and temperamental differences regarding revelations about one’s private life. He implies that she labored in the closet, and that now we know that her real lesson to young lesbans was and is: duck and cover.

But we don’t, in fact, know that this was her lesson. Just because she wasn’t out in a dramatically public way doesn’t have to mean that her “real” lesson was “hide away”. There is, after all, a difference between discretion and shame.

As unfair as I think Sullivan is in his autopsy of Ride’s relationship to her public persona—he didn’t know her, didn’t know her motives—I do nonetheless have to wonder about my own half-outing.

I could be cute, I suppose, and say that as a bisexual I could only be half-out, but what I really mean is that I’m out to some (all of my friends in New York & some of my colleagues, some of my non-New York friends), not to others (family, students), generally ambiguous in reference to any (hypothetical, sigh) partners, and will answer truthfully if asked directly by someone who I don’t think is crossing any lines in the query.

Who I don’t think is crossing any lines: This is the kicker, isn’t it? What if a student would ask? A boss? Would that person be crossing a line?

Or should I be the one who crosses the line by coming out to, say, my students and everyone I work with? I have no fear of discrimination at work, and no great worries of adverse reactions from my students, but I haven’t come out fully at the office or in the classroom* in part because I don’t think it’s any of their business. I like my privacy, and I don’t think openness in some areas of my life requires me to display every aspect of my life.

(*There’s also the matter of the appropriateness of revealing personal information in the classroom. I do offer bits from my life if they’re relevant to the subject at hand, so it’s not out of the question that my own sexuality would be relevant in some discussions; just coming out a propos of nothing—Hi, I’m your professor and I’m bisexual!—would manifestly not be the way to go.)

But—and here is where Sullivan and everyone else who argues for the urgency of coming out makes sense to me—by not saying anything, I allow others to draw false inferences of my sexuality, a falseness under which I may duck and cover and which has social implications. I am uneasy, still, with the inferences others may draw if I come out as bisexual, even as I am also uneasy with the assumption by others that I’m straight.

My reasons for not slamming that closet door behind me, then, has less to do with social opprobrium than my own fear of the personal reactions to a personal revelation. I don’t think anyone in my family would really care all that much, or, to be honest, really be surprised—any surprise might be that I’m bisexual and not a lesbian—nor do I think that the few friends who I haven’t told would care much, either; if they would, their distress would likely center on how long it took me to tell them, not what I told them.

And, of course, that it’s been a number of years since I’ve become bisexual only makes the conversation now even more awkward: Why didn’t you say something earlier?

Sigh.

I struggle with what to reveal and what to tuck away in so many things; unlike almost every other of those things, however, this one is not just about me.

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3 responses

27 07 2012
BJ

This is a fascinating window into the thought process that gay/lesbian/bisexual folks go through. As a straight guy, this issue (obviously) had never crossed my mind (“Hi I’m BJ and I’m straight,” to use your example.)

Let’s cut to this question;

Why worry?

The overwhelming majority of situations doesn’t call for one’s sexuality to come into play. How much of your thought about this issue is due to simply to feeling “different”? Having a secret.

Sweetheart; you’re in charge, and you can tell if you want, but the general public isn’t sweating your coming out party. And we’re probably gonna shrug if we find out.

I feel for your angst, and I’m empathetic. I’m sure there is discrimination, and I hate that. Mostly, I think we’re apathetic about your preference. I hope that doesn’t spoil your secret.

27 07 2012
Pete from Baltimore

Im old enough to remember Sally Ride’s space trip. And she was extremely unwilling to be made a symbol of anything. I actually respected her for that. She made quite clear that she didnt like the fuss over the fact that she was the first American woman in space

She once said that she looked forward to the day when a woman would go up in space and no one would notice. I myself am glad that we live in an age where Sally Ride can turn out to be a lesbian [i had never realised until today] , and no one really cares, one way or the other

27 07 2012
dmf

hopefully we are closer than not to a day when people no longer make such assumptions and it will likely be brought nearer by these kinds of exposures, it would be a lovely gift to future generations if sex-uality was not such a charged issue but just another aspect of life to be cultivated. Anything that we do to help to insure that we won’t be stuck in a culture of eternal teenagehood is a welcome addition.

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