Sunny came home with a vengeance

18 01 2024

It was too cold to go out shooting today, so here’s a shot I took about a month ago—inside.

My friend M. has moved back to the city. She and I were tight in high school, in intermittent contact college through grad school and post-doc, and then lost touch after I moved to New York. It was hard for her: she loved New York and had never wanted to leave, so me living here, well, it was hard for her.

(I know this because she told me. She felt bad, but I understood: I missed Montreal so much when I left that any mention of it was painful. Hell, I still miss Montreal.)

But the reason she left was reversed, so she returned, and I am delighted not only to have her back in my life, but to have her living a short subway ride away.

And she wants to do stuff! I mentioned in my last post that I’ve been veering off my work-home path to try to make my life as big as this city, so, even though I am crabby and inertial, her invitations provide some oomph to that desire to go big.

And not just big. M has been taking some courses at Gotham Writers Workshop and become friends with some of the other workshoppers; this in turn has led to her initiating her own writing group, and inviting me to participate.

This, too, is in line with another desire of mine: my heretofore not-at-all-successful attempts to revive my creative writing. We met this past Tuesday (I had only my ears to contribute this time) and decided to keep meeting weekly. I initially balked at the weekly, but thought, Terri, do you actually want to write or do you just want to wish you wrote? It might end up being too much, but what the hell, why not stretch.

So, thanks, M. In getting back your life you’re helping me get back mine.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Modern thought(less)

And if I listen in, I hear my own heart beating

11 01 2024

I’ve mentioned that I had (still have) an Olympus OM-4; I bought it used from a Daily Cardinal friend and once in hand, just started taking pictures.

I’ve been more cautious with the XT-4, and for no good reason. I got the camera because I thought my life had become too small, and I wanted something that had nothing to do with work or politics. I took up ceramics in grad school, and got to the point of “not half-bad”, but the problem with throwing pots is that. . . you end up with a lot of pots. Since I already had some experience with photography (including developing and printing film), I went with that, instead.

Photography also has the advantage of getting me off my ass and out of my apartment—and, importantly, to pay attention to my surroundings. (I still walk and look around, but that’s mostly at night and, honestly, mostly for exercise.) There’s so much to see in this city, and I spend a lot of time not seeing it.

Relatedly, I’ve gotten in the habit of, at least once a week, getting oot and aboot in the city (the shots above and below were from today’s jaunt in downtown Brooklyn and DUMBO). I don’t often take my camera—during the semester I’m getting off the train on my way back from the Bronx, and my backpack is heavy enough without the camera—but I am trying, again, to pay attention.

For example, I was recently in the Met (which is pay-what-you-wish for NYC residents) and zipping through a section on European painting on my way to the American wing when I caught a portrait and thought, Huh, is that, uh, whatshisname? I kept going, then realized that that was, indeed, Rembrandt. I was surrounded by Rembrandts.

For Chrissakes, I snipped at myself, You can’t just zip by Rembrandt.

So I stopped, and turned around, and slowly worked my way around the room. I tend toward 20th century works, but, man, Rembrandt and Vermeer really do it for me. I don’t really have the words and really don’t have the knowledge of art or art history, but I do know when something stands me still. (Oddly, I’ll say that such works ‘move me’, but really, they stop me.) The light, and the shadows. . . I can almost hear these portraits breathe.

I did eventually end up in the American section, only to hurry through it; another time.

One more thing: all of this is a means of trying both to see and see beneath this city, to claim it as mine. I’ve been here coming up on 18 years, and while I’ve spent time in every borough—even Staten Island!—and know a fair amount about the skin of the place, I’ve barely dipped into the blood and the bones.

You gotta hustle to survive this joint; while I haven’t perfected the hustle, I am surviving. That’s not nothing, but, as ever, there must be something more.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Modern thought(less), Photos & art

Right here, right now

3 01 2024

New year, but no resolutions: I keep saying “I’m gonna do this. . .” and keep not-doing whatever it is.

So I’m just going to try to do, and see what happens.

I have done some things: I’m slowly getting to know my camera. I’m less intimidated by it than I was initially, but there are basic things about my XT4 that I’m still messing up. Some of these errors could be fixed in post-production, but a) that would require me to learn post (I currently have GIMP) and b) I’d really prefer to get the photos right at the source.

And oh ho ho, am I far from getting things right at the source. I’m currently working in manual mode: I bought the camera without a lens, instead buying an adapter for my favorite 23-85mm lens from my old Olympus. I like having the control (even if I’m screwing up) and, honestly, the auto-everything was too much. I am looking at an 18-55mm auto-lens, but, again, I feel like I have to get better with the set-up I have before trying to expand beyond it.

Anyway, far-from-right: I screwed up the ISO for. . . awhile, because I thought the sensitivity tuner was, in fact, the “film” speed. I’d repeatedly nudge the button from single-shot to burst-mode without knowing I’d done it and not know how to fix. (I started carrying the manual with me after the second time this happened.) The XT4 allows me to choose film “type” and I’d choose the wrong one—tho’, to be fair, this is inherently a trial-and-error issue. And I haven’t used the exposure compensation dial at all. At least I could work the f-stops.

I’m also still working on my “eye”. I’m not useless when it comes to framing a shot, but what I can do is pretty basic. And I’ve mostly failed when it comes to getting the contrasts right.

Still, the great advantage of digital is that I can take a lot of shots I suspect will be throwaways without having to worry that I’m wasting film. I appreciate the discipline that film provided when I first started taking pictures, but I also appreciate the freedom to take the same shot with different settings.

So, for example, I took this one in Prospect Park, and it’s. . . fine:

I got the reflection, but the colors of the land and trees was dull. I adjusted the ISO and got this:

It’s a mite dark, but more visually interesting. It captures more of the detail of the trees and leaves, which in turn creates a better contrast to the reflection.

You can see a similar dynamic with the next two shots: one slightly brighter and duller, the other darker and starker:

I prefer the stark.

I won’t bore you with more shitty/less-shitty shots; but let’s end on a not-great one of my kitty, because: kitty!


Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : Photos & art

In this city

13 04 2023

Ah, I said I was going to try to post more . . . and months have past since I’ve done so.

It’s not that I don’t have things to say, but that I am out of the habit of saying.

So I’ll show, instead. My photography skills are still rudimentary and while I have opened GIMP I haven’t actually done anything with it, so all of the photos, below, are as I took them.

A college friend was in town recently and we walked all over lower Manhattan, the LES and the East Village. I thought I had covered that area pretty well on previous walks, but then we came upon this skater park, tucked under the Manhattan Bridge.

This was the first thing I saw, and I knew I had to go back and shoot it and the rest of the park. And so I did.

Neither this nor what follows are very good—not only am I working on my “eye”, I’m still getting used to everything the camera can do—but this was such a great place to train myself, and hey, gotta start somewhere.

I like black and white, but the color is so much a part of the graffiti that I think it works better; that said, I think once I get better I’ll figure out how to make this work in B&W.

Similarly:

I think I know what I did wrong with the B&W, but, like I said, at this point I’m treating this all as practice.

And what a place to practice. Honestly, I find this one of the most beautiful places I’ve come across in New York City. I can’t wait to come back when the light is slanting through and there are more skaters; I can’t wait until I’m confident enough to shoot the skaters.

Okay, a few more, this time toggling back and forth between B&W and sepia. When I first got my camera and saw that sepia was an option I thought Bah! and dismissed it as fake-old, a simulacra. But then I thought, What the hell, let’s see what it does.

No clear winner, here; I’m not crazy about the exposure for either pic.

The first is too light; the second, too dark.

Not sure the sepia adds anything here, either.

But it does work for this:

And for this one:

Although, again, the exposure is off, as the top is too light and the bottom perhaps a smidge too dark.

I do prefer higher contrast, which tends to be more apparent in darker photos, and sharper to softer images. Again, with practice both my eye and my camera skills should improve.

And what a gift that I live in this city: I can shoot and fail and know, following Beckett, that I can go back and shoot again, fail again, fail better.


Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Photos & art

All I want is a photograph

18 01 2023

So, my return has been a little slower than planned—good intentions and all that… *hand wave*

Also, it’s been so long that WordPress has completely changed the back-end interface and, y’know, I get sulky around these kinds of changes. Until I get used to them.

Anyway, I bought a new (used) camera recently and, whoo, talk about needing to learn something—many things!—new, yeah. I made the leap to digital (mirrorless, actually), and not only is there all of the stuff about SLR photography I forgot, there’s everything that this camera can do. I got an adapter for my favorite SLR lens (23-85mm), so there’s at least one thing I’m comfortable with, but everything else? Ha.

I did initially poke around its features, going back and forth between the manual and the camera and managed to take a few test shots in my apartment, but I knew that the only way to get used to the camera was, well, to use the camera.

So I took it to Prospect Park and shot around. I played with different film types (an option on my camera, a Fujifilm XT-4) ISOs and apertures, leaving the shutter speed on auto (I think…). It’ll be awhile before the old knowledge comes back, but the nice thing about digital is that I can take a bunch of pics without having to worry about wasting film—that makes it a lot easier to just get out there and experiment.

Anyway, here are some of the results:

Pavilion near the southeast entrance to the park.

Bridge near boathouse.

Tunnel to boathouse.

There are more, but you get the idea: not great, not terrible.

I haven’t done any post-production on them (I currently have GIMP loaded on my computer, although my niece recommends Adobe Lightroom)—that’s another set of skills I’ll have to develop, along with adding a watermark.

Still, this first venture out was good. I managed to get some shots, experiment a bit, and not be too self-conscious behind the camera. A ways to go, but I am at least on my way.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Photos & art

I owe my soul to each fork in the road

24 11 2022

It’s been a long time, but I’m trying to make my way back.

May you have a peaceful holiday.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: ,
Categories : Uncategorized

So I cynically, cynically say, the world is that way

31 12 2020

So long, 2020.


Comments : 4 Comments »

Categories : Uncategorized

This land was made for you and me

3 11 2020


Comments : 2 Comments »

Categories : Uncategorized

I am carrying this scrap of paper

30 09 2020

I have been seeing doctors and nurses and techs since the end of May: one primary care physician, one dermatologist, two radiologists, three oncologists, many nurses and many techs.

Also since the end of May: multiple blood tests, multiple mammograms, multiple ultrasounds, multiple biopsies, one COVID test, one surgery, multiple x-rays, and twenty radiation treatments.

And now I am done with all of them—until November, that is.

The acute phase of my treatment ended last week; the continuing (starting with hormone treatments) begins this week, and includes more docs and nurses and techs and tests in the future.

But this week, and all of October, I have no appointments, and only the daily pill to remind me that I am, still, a cancer patient.

Well, that, and the number the radiation did on my skin. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be—discomfort, yes, but pain, not really—but it’s unpleasant, all the same. It should start getting better, mmm, around now, and continue to do so over the next month or two.

Still, no appointments. No doctors, no nurses, no techs, no temperature checks, no forms, no medical machines. Just day after day of not having to be in a clinic in Chelsea or Midtown East or the UES or Union Square. Just day after day of my life, if only for awhile.

I’ll take it.

 


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

Hardly a quiver in the dirt

23 08 2020

Do I have cancer?

I mean, the surgeon scooped out the tumor and got clean margins, and there’s nothing to indicate a spread, so: do I have cancer?

I’m still a cancer patient: I start radiation this week, and after that’s completed, I’ll be on hormone treatments for five years, but both of those are to lower the risk of recurrence. Sure, the radiation could zap any stray carcinoma cells—presumably that’s one of the ways it reduces risks—but it seems weird for me to say “I have cancer” when. . . maybe I don’t?

Yes, I know: it’s too soon to tell. Oncologists speak the language of “x-year survival rates”, and one month out of surgery is not enough time to know much beyond what they discovered in the surgery itself. I had a tumor, and now a don’t, and while I know that matters, I’m still not wholly sure what that means.

My puzzlement may stem from the fact that the docs caught this early, none of my tests indicate a propensity to metastasis, and, importantly, I won’t be undergoing chemotherapy. I’m old enough that cancer still carries the implications of chemo and hair loss and nausea and “looking like a cancer patient”; well, I am a cancer patient, but you wouldn’t know it to look at me.

I am not in any way complaining about this: like I said, I am VERY GLAD not to need, and thus not to have to endure, chemo. But it makes it [too?] easy for me to think that my cancer is just this summer thing that I’m dealing with, and not much more than that.

And maybe that’s fine, because maybe it isn’t much more than that. Goddess knows I have carried too much HEIGHTENED DRAMATIC MUSIC into too many situations in my life, so maybe my measured response now is. . . appropriate.

Or maybe this is one of those cases in which I’m refusing to listen to the minor chords that (appropriately) accompany cancer.

I don’t know. I don’t even know how much thought to give to this. It matters, yes, but how, and how much? I’ve yet to find out.


Comments : 4 Comments »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : Musing

« Previous Entries