AbsurdBeats

Jasper’s apprenticeship is proceeding on schedule. I expect he’ll have earned full membership by the time he turns one.

Cats, in case you don’t know, have a union—global, strong, and utterly unbreakable. It is, of course, mandatory, but I’ve met to meet a cat who objects to the basic obligations of the union. And no wildcat strikes, either: the duties are immanent in all cat activities, such that there is no space or contradiction between the feline condition and the union.

Marx could have learned a thing or two from cats.

(It is also important to note the union is basically syndicalist, owing in large part to cats’  anarchist predispositions. No vanguard parties, here.)

There are various tasks which all cats must perform prior to initiation into the union (Indoor or Outdoor Division)—in Jasper’s case, Feline Union Local 226, ID (Brooklyn-East Flatbush)—as well as a selection of electives (to establish a speciality).

Jasper has mastered the following:

• bag-diving
• sink exploration
• tub exploration (*note: extra points are earned if cat jumps into the litter box immediately following tub or sink exploration, thereby allowing for dirty paw-prints to be tracked about the dwelling)
• toilet flushing inspection (*note: given the noise and generally bowl agitation, it often requires a build-up to the actual inspection, ranging from remaining in the room while toilet flushes, to jumping on lid, to actual inspection)
• pushing pencils and/or other items from desk or table to floor
• attacking bits of paper, fluff, or anything which might otherwise be considered garbage
• garbage diving
• walking across and/or standing on sensitive regions of body
• laying in clean clothes
• disrupting bed-making
• jumping into chair to which human plans to return
• batting at ankles from a hiding place
• shoelace attacks
• sock attacks
• chasing string
• chasing insects
• poking head in refrigerator
• jumping into open cabinet doors
• knocking over at least one plant
• laying in lap so as to interfere with human’s task (e.g., grading papers, completing crossword puzzle)
• laying on book/magazine and/or otherwise interfering with reading
• purring loudly in ear while trying to talk on phone
• window dozing
• successful jumps to high places
• scooting between human’s legs to run out door
• spewing liquid medicines over floor
• behaving perfectly in the presences of guests
• behaving horribly in the presence of guests
• bogarting other cat’s food (a necessary task, but subject to punishment by other cat)
• waking the human less than a hour before her alarm goes off
• leaping on human’s blanket-covered feet
• crawling into human’s lap on the hottest day of the year
• spinning 180 degrees in air when surprised

Disrupting bed-making

Among tasks to be completed:

• unsuccessful leaps into high places, preferably followed by a crash
• mauling human when she attempts to place in cat carrier [#need has not yet arisen]
• howling while in transit [#first trips don’t count; need for other trips has not yet arisen]
• spitting out pills [#need has not yet arisen]
• interrupting sex [#situation has not yet arisen]
• singeing whiskers in candle
• spazzing at presence of sticky item on fur
• growling
• breaking at least one item of human
• laying on back, spread-eagled, in presence of guests

#While apprentices cannot be held responsible for failure of humans, they are nonetheless encouraged to manipulate humans so that tasks may be completed.

Jasper has shown a particular ability in the specialty of Technology Disruption:

• walking across and/or standing on keyboard
• blocking monitor from human’s view
• rendering keyboard dysfunctional through the stomping on a particular combinations of keys
• pulling cord(s) out of computer
• attacking mouse
• hitting mute button on keyboard
• sending computer into sleep mode
• inspecting printer output

To complete certification in his specialty, however, he’ll have to

• turn computer on
• turn computer off
• jam printer

Once he achieves full membership, he may not only pursue as many specialties (including but not limited to  Nighttime Disruption, Meal Disruption, Theft & Disappearance) as he wishes, he is free to innovate in the development of new specialties.

Bean became an emeritus member (Feline Union At-Large, ID)  upon reaching her 15th year this past fall. Any participation in paper-blocking and bag-diving is therefore strictly voluntary and meant solely for her enjoyment.

We humans, of course, have zero control over and only limited bargaining power with this union. They are united and strong, and we, weak and scattered.

Which means they’ll win every time.