Lack Luster, Lack Luster how can I muster

7 12 2010

I am too much and not enough in my head.

Too much: I am pinned in my chair, un-able and un-willing to do what is minimally necessary to take care of my life, much less anything beyond that.

Too little: I have lost my concentration somewhere in a cascade of anxiety and passivity, un-able and un-willing to think myself past my self.

No, this isn’t a crisis—or if it is, it’s a low-grade one.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is to note that this is happening, and to write that I won’t be writing much about this. I have to get some things straight with myself, and straightening is, frankly, boring for anyone other than the person undergoing the untwisting.

I remember when I was in the depths/throes/clutches/appropriatelyalarmingsynonymhere of my depression—I wrote and wrote and wrote about it, and little else competed with it. Once I got past the worst of it, however—once I was no longer nailed to Hamlet’s post—I gradually lost interest in noting every last blip in my emotion.

I’m not criticizing my past self—such self-monitoring was, in its own way, necessary; nor do I consider the loss of interest lamentable, as I am no longer so oppressed by my moods. The point, really, is that a record of the grind really only matters while one is being ground: after that, well, it was enough to be able to walk away.

That I’m a little ground down now is worth noting, but every damned detail of what I do to haul myself out, not so much.

I like writing this blog, and will continue to do so, but that this has become a place where I sort some things out doesn’t mean this is the appropriate forum in which to sort everything out.

But once it’s sorted? Oh, hell, I’ll jabber away.




4 responses

7 12 2010

sorry to hear that yer struggling a bit, i know the feeling all too well and so also know that you should honor yer feelings/understanding of what you need to do and not do to work this thru.
if at some point you feel the need for some feedback give a holler or an email.

8 12 2010

You can look at it that way, or look at it this way: it’s your own damn blog, what do you care if you bore your audience? Unless, of course, you’re currently being paid to produce incredibly interesting blogging material (which you do on a regular basis), in which case I’d like to know how you finagled that deal.

Good luck with what you have to deal with, and hope you feel better soon!

9 12 2010

Good luck, my internet friend — and if it’s any sort of comfort, the way in which you write about not writing is marvelous, all by itself. I throw my arms around your bright-red right angles, and give you an internet hug.

9 12 2010

Thank you, all of you.

I’ll be all right—just need to perform some mental chiropracty, not major surgery.

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