Dice are rolling, the knives are out

4 01 2012

This man will not be president:

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images

He will not be president because he will not win the Republican nomination, and he will not win the Republican nomination because he has no money, no organization, and an agenda which causes jaws to slacken, genitals to shrink, and the uncontrollable urge to giggle.

And no, I’m not talking about his Google problem.

ThinkProgress has a nice rundown of the top ten terrible tenets of the former senator from Pennsylvania, but I’d like to point out just one: the man is opposed to contraception. For everyone.

One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.

I remember my eight grade science teacher (a thoroughly decent man) try to teach sex ed by asking us to submit—anonymously—any questions we may have about sex in writing, which he would then try to answer.

Poor man. He never had a chance. I didn’t know a person’s face could turn that shade of red.

Yes, a class of mostly virgins somehow managed to come up with questions about “things in the sexual realm” which were “counter to how things are supposed to be.”

Santorum may also be a thoroughly decent man—although, given the nasty things he says about people who aren’t just like him, I doubt it—but unlike the stifled sniggers which greeted the science teacher, the ex-senator will be met with full-blown guffaws the moment he decides to engage the country in his version of sex education.

The sweater vest won’t help.

So I’m going to enjoy both Santorum’s moment in the media-sun and the evisceration soon to follow, a disembowelment made all the more sweeter because it will be performed by his fellow Republicans.

Ah, the carnage of campaign politics: couldn’t happen to a more deserving guy.

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5 responses

4 01 2012
Pete from Baltimore

Absurdbeats
The problem is that its very likely that romney will sew the nomination up fairly early. And the media arent looking forward to this,since Romney isnt the most ecxciting person to cover

You may have noticed that at TNC’s blog, there have been threads on Ron Paul,Bachmann and Cain. But ive seeen none on Romney.For the simple reason that he isnt as interesting to talk about as Ron Paul,ect. So the media is going to play up Santorum and Ron Paul for a while.For the simple reason that they need to have someone interesting to write about.

4 01 2012
absurdbeats

Yup. Romney is not incompetent, and while I do not want him to be president, the idea of a Romney presidency doesn’t scare me in the same way that, say, a Gingrich or Perry presidency would. He’s a slippery-yet-boring executive, not unlike others we’ve had in the Oval Office, and unlikely to do anything horrifically awful.

Also, the kinds of rile-able things Romney has said are more likely to go up the nose of folks on the right, not on the left, so unless (or more likely: until) he’s the nominee, there are more interesting distractions for those on the left to ponder.

Finally, I think Cain got it from TNC because of the things he said about Obama’s blackness vis-a-vis his own allegedly “more authentic” brand of African-Americanness; and Paul is getting it because a) TNC’s friend Andrew Sullivan endorsed him and b) he’s terrible on the history of racial discrimination and the uses of racism in politics.

That both men are manifestly unsuited to the presidency just adds to the fun.

5 01 2012
dmf

have you been following the recent political/propaganda campaign by the US Catholic Church Inc to frame laws against discriminating against homosexuals as unconstitutional? Will be interesting if Santorum becomes the public face of such issues on the national debate circuit.

5 01 2012
absurdbeats

Yes, I have, and have been turning over my response.

Well, I know my response: No exemptions from the law. That religious folk have First Amendment rights does not mean they can use the First Amendment as a lever with which they may raise themselves above the law.

I’m pretty severe generally on exemptions, legal or professional, to the point of getting tetchy over the abortion exemption for doctors (which I may nonetheless concede may have some justification), but I think there is no justification for conscience exemptions in matters of contraception or, in this case, providing adoption services to all.

In any case, can’t imagine the savvier folks in the Church would want Santorum to be their face. . . .

6 01 2012
dmf

no doubt but part of the price of entering the public/political sphere is losing message (and messenger) control.

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